helth: a short personal update

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HELTH

EDIT:

I did finish the design. Here’s a short YouTube vid about it:

I’m writing this for two reasons. One, transparency and two, that daily update promise.

So I’m not doing so hot. Nothing like viral, just general illness. I’m trying to power through it with ibuprofen and sheer willpower, but it ain’t easy.

The whole right side of my body is incredibly sore. I have an unresolved injury in my shoulder and its acting up something fierce, but the pain is in more than just my arm.

I’m also tired after every meal. No matter how good or healthy or clean it is, I’m shot after I eat. I’ve gone full vegetarian over the past week and it DOES coincide with these issues arising, but I find it hard to believe there’s a connection.

I honestly think it’s very much tied to the heat. I’ve put on some weight in quarantine so I know that isn’t helping, but I’ve always struggled with heat and humidity. Summer is a very bad time for me. I become disgustingly low functioning and since I no longer have a job, I have nowhere to go to soak in any AC or the sort. I do have a fan and it helps immensely, but I’m still such a damn slug this time of year.

It feels awful, if I’m being honest. I hate this miserable non-functioning feeling. I hate waking up at a reasonable hour but being unable to get out of bed. I hate feeling this damn tired and sore all the time. It could, and probably is, very well tied to my weight gain. I’ve always been kinda thicc, but this is getting out of hand.

I think what I’m going to do going forwards is if I wake up at an early hour, I’m going to force myself awake and go outside and at least take a walk or something. I was doing that early on in quarantine to try to get myself ambulating, but that fell off really quick.

I can’t blame this current wave of discomfort and emotional malaise on my awful work experience. I mean it may be still tied to it, but its hardly the only cause especially this far out.

I wanted to get so much done today but I thwarted myself. As usual. This is what I do and it sucks. I had planned to design a piece to run on my laser. I might still get to it, but my ability to think straight is shrouded in a fog of emotional and physical discomfort.

I’ve been setting my goals small every day and if I excel them, that’s great, but I only aim to the minimum I give myself so it’s not like I’m overly stressed out or anything. I’m just sore and tired for no apparent reason. It’s exhausting to set out to do so much only to fall apart for no real reason.

I’m going to probably end up giving in to the malaise and just slack off for the rest of the day, hoping tomorrow will be better. I’ve been setting an alarm for 8:30am during the week and it wakes me up every morning. I haven’t gotten up at that time yet, but usually, it results in me getting up earlier than I normally would. Just been sleeping a lot in general… That I’d like to blame on low hanging chronic depression and the fact that I swing between feeling excited about prospects and aimlessly wandering about with a brain full of nothing but sludge. It’s a daily swing too which is why I really hope tomorrow will be better.

It’s just so damn exhausting.

No matter what, I’ll power through it. One way or another I’ll come out the other side for better or worse. I haven’t given up yet so I doubt I ever will until something gets the better of me, but for now, it just feels bad knowing that every good day is punishable by exhaustion.

I’m grateful to have the friends I do. They’ve made a huge difference in my life and pick me up when I feel so down, but I have to do a lot of personal work because without that, their support would be wasted.

I’ll get better.

Eventually…

PS: I intentionally misspelled the title. Memes have been saving what little remains of my sanity lately haha

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